Being a youth pastor

It has been just over two year since I left my position as a youth pastor at a Baptist church.  I loved being a youth pastor.  I had wonderful kids and a lot of freedom and support. I was there for over 7 year and the job wore on me after a while.  I couldn’t do overnights anymore and I became bad at hiding that my theology was different than the head pastor’s. 

I think the reason I had so many kids in my group was because my objective was not to “save’ them, but “raise” them in a safe and nurturing environment.  I wanted those kids to be exactly who they were and express themselves.  I think that mission goes hand in hand with God’s mission and that teaching kids about the bible can help them discover who they are.  I taught them scripture but also that the Bible is old and God is current, still speaking in new ways.   

My liberal approach did have flaws.  I don’t know if the kids in my group did more drugs and had more sex than other church kids or if it was that they felt free enough to talk to me about it?  Overall I consider my time there a success.  I taught the kids that God is an experience and not just an intellectual pursuit.  I taught them that their actions matter and relationships are important. 

We were a true community, there for each other in the hard times.  I miss watching those kids discover things and being silly. No one at my current job tries to attack me with silly string.     

Since I left the number of young people attending that church has plummeted.  I feel guilty about that for many reasons; one being that I take it as confirmation that what I was doing was the right approach for the kids in that area.  I also feel guilt because I feel like I have abandoned them.  It’s hard to leave a job you love and that you’re good at for something else. I knew it was my time to be a chaplain, but still it was so hard to leave. 

There have been gifts to leaving ministry and sacrifices.  I now can live openly with my boyfriend and some of the older kids and I have become close friends.  But, I lost that church family.  After I stepped down from my position I felt it best that I not attended the church either.  I didn’t want the kids openly comparing me to the new leader. I miss that church fiercely.

It’s hard to talk about the specifics because that time was so sacred, it feels strange to explain it.  All I know is that when I would walk down those basement stairs the world would change; I could breathe easy and free.