Accepting people for who they are

            I think even the most tolerant person struggles with accepting people just as they are.  Acceptance has a lot to do with not vilifying the person once you learn something negative about them; or perhaps even harder, when they hurt you. 

I have struggled with this my whole life.  I think life would be a whole lot easier if things were just black and white; you are either a good guy or a bad guy.  I am told that many children of alcoholics struggle with this.  My religious upbringing reinforced this false belief as well.

Right now I am struggling one of my close friends and accepting her just the way she is.  I have been struggling with our friendship for over a year now.  I was seriously thinking of titling this blog, “how to break up with a friend.”   It feels that bad.

She is getting married and that has rubbed up against a hundred issues I have with her.  I find her very judgmental. (Now let me to take a moment to point out the irony here, yes I am judging her for being too judgmental.  Paradox, no?)  I’m also jealous that her friends, family, and society validates her life choices.  I don’t want to get married, that’s a subject for another blog. 

We had a fight that is the root of all of this.  She was talking about her soon to be step daughter and how worried that she will become a spoiled only child.  I got curious about her fears and started asking her more about growing up and her relationship with her mother.  I asked her “what are you afraid of?”  She screamed at me, “I’m afraid she will turn out like you!”  I was so hurt.  We now joke about that conversation as when I tried to ‘chaplain’ her.

Things really changed for me about six months after that. At her birthday party I was shocked to hear her say several racist things and told her I was offended.  She said something to the effect of, “You can’t accuse me of racism because you called me crying twice this week.”  I stormed out in an outrage.  Since that moment I have tried to hind my vulnerable side from her.  We are not the type of friends who sit and talk about our feelings... anymore, we used to be that way.

Now, she wants me to be both officiating and a bridesmaid at her wedding.  I have explained to her that I just can’t do both.  When explaining I said I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid.  She called me the next day and said she was offended, “You’re one of my bestfriends.”  I would love to find a good way to tell her, no we are not good friends.  I don’t want to support you on your wedding day because you don’t care about my emotions or feeling because you don’t like to talk about feelings. 

I cried and mourned the relationship we used to have, when we would have long dinners filled with talking.  I mourned that times I used to feel safe with her.  I cried because I wanted to break up with her.

But!

She can’t be perfect, and she isn’t some demonic force.  She is who she is.  She is a person that does not like to get analytical.  She is a person who wants to get married, and not only that, but have a big expensive wedding.  She is a person that would drop everything and go to the hospital with me.

 Can I accept her for who she is? 

I hope I can find some sort of compromise in the days to come that allow me to express my grief over what our relationship has become and accept her.  Right now it feels like I will need a magic wand to make that happen.